Mr. Carney read from a prepared statement:
"With the individual mandate now ruled constitutional, the President will today introduce legislation to bring the health benefits of that nutritional powerhouse known as broccoli to the American people. The rich amount of glucosinolates, vitamins, and other nutrients make this leading member of the cruciferous family the President's first choice among competing vegetables at the first family's dinner table.Press Secretary Carney then asked for questions, however, the press corps was clearly far too stunned to respond. After nearly five minutes of eerie silence, Mr. Carney receded from the press room to visit with the President's legislative directors.
I can now reveal that the Sam Alito Memorial Act was, in fact, always his choice for the furtherance of health among the American people. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) was, so to speak, a stalking horse designed solely to determine whether an individual mandate was constitutional under either the commerce clause or Congress's taxing power, and, moreover, whether it could be declared so by a Supreme Court very clearly divided along theoretical lines. Today we have our answer, and today, in light of that answer affirming an individual mandate in principle, we will introduce the Sam Alito Memorial Act for what we hope will be quick bipartisan passage.
Finally, we would be remiss if we did not mention the courageous and path-breaking work done on designing and promoting an individual health care mandate by former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney."
However, Mr. Carney's press aides left behind fact sheets describing the Sam Alito Memorial Act, however. Here are the highlights, verbatim:
"The cruciform antioxidant phytochemicals deep within the succulent bodies of well-prepared broccoli will, under the President's proposal, be made available to all Americans regardless of financial status. Those who cannot afford broccoli three times per week will be referred by a new USDA Broccoli Bureau to various state or regional Broccoli Communes where, as a result of the competition among producers, this magnificent vegetable will be available to all at reasonable prices. Wherever needed, small federal government subsidies will bolster the ability of the Broccoli Communes to provide broccoli-induced healthfulness to the public at required levels to meet weekly national consumption goals."Finally, this somewhat paradoxical and provocative footnote appears at the end of the Sam Alito Memorial Act fact sheet:
"Citizens who have a pre-existing condition, such as a salicylate allergy, that has heretofore prevented them from enjoying the health benefits of broccoli will be provided allergy treatments under the Affordable Health Care Act. Furthermore, if a citizen does not enjoy the taste of broccoli, as is often found among those with the TAS2R family of bitter taste receptors, he or she will receive advanced medical care for resultant thyroid complications from their mandated broccoli consumption."
"Another group proclaiming the presence of a literal "distaste" for broccoli, i.e. children of all ages and genders, will be offered psychological counseling and psychiatric medications to affect an improvement in their attitudes toward the life-enhancing cruciferous family. Again, all costs may now be covered under the Affordable Care Act due to today's Supreme Court decision."
"Presently, because of the delectability and necessity of broccoli, many families who cannot afford it are routinely being provided this delightful vegetable when they arrive at local grocery stores and simply begin eating broccoli straight from the vegetable bins. This, of course, forces broccoli prices up for those who can afford broccoli since the costs accrued by these broccoli freeloaders must be spread out among all of us. Under the Sam Alito Memorial Act everyone who can afford broccoli will be required to purchase and consume broccoli, and those who cannot will be provided for through the price-modulating effects of state Broccoli Communes."
"Many families who enjoy broccoli and purchase large amounts of it, often take out home equity and other kinds of loans to cover their costs. However, should a family member lose his or her job, these vulnerable families are sometimes forced by mounting broccoli bills to declare bankruptcy. With the national sharing of broccoli costs anticipated by the Sam Alito Memorial Act these families will no longer face the human and financial costs of bankruptcy, and may always be assured of an adequate supply of the valuable vegetable."
"Presently, no forced feeding of broccoli is contemplated, but in furtherance of national health security, as always, we leave all options on the table."In all, a remarkable day in American history, a landmark decision and a quick reaction by the White House to take legislative advantage of the court's ruling. We here at They Will Say ANYTHING! will provide continuing coverage of this new proposal as it wends its way through Congress. Moreover, as opposed to the ACA, we expect the Sam Alito Memorial Act to proceed in a bipartisan manner now that constitutional matters have been settled by today's Supreme Court ruling. Stay tuned.
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