DOE spokesperson Alec Grant told reporters,
"Until we heard Mr. Santorum's revelation we were quite certain that American history had been successfully removed from California's higher education system. Since then we have discovered that many state universities had misrepresented their curriculum to department auditors, inspectors, and enforcement personnel."Stunned reporters asked what steps the state would take to address the spread of American history.
"We will, of course, redouble our efforts at enforcement despite budget constraints. This resurgence of American history instruction will not stand. Furthermore, we apologize to all Californians for this oversight, and urge them to stay calm."Some reporters indicated that dozens of Orange County residents were presently under medical and psychiatric care as a result of hearing American history topics discussed openly on the street and in Starbucks.
Mr. Grant responded: "We are dispatching mental health professionals there now, and let me assure you, none of them knows a single thing about American history."
A concerned Wolf Blitzer of CNN followed up,
"What of the future? How quickly will the Governor act? Will legislation be introduced? At this time, do you foresee the need to deploy the National Guard to hunt down and arrest teachers of the history of the United States?"Again California DOEd spokesperson, Alec Grant, had a ready answer.
""No response is off the table. National Guard forces have been put on alert and holiday leave has been canceled. At this time we are praying that American history faculty will stand down and reconsider prior to the end of Spring recess.Reporters were relieved and gratified that the state had moved so quickly.
Be assured, however, the governor will introduce legislation immediately upon the reconvening of the legislative body on April 9th. The bill will address many issues.
Firstly, it will extend the American history instruction ban to public maternity wards, nursery schools, kindergartens, elementary schools, and high schools.
Secondly, the proposal will seek to impose a tax of $10,000 per day on any private school, college, or university that wishes to teach American history. Mandatory quarterly testing of all students will determine their American history literacy. If improvements are noted, education policy makers will seek to reverse them.
Finally, the governor will propose a state constitutional amendment stating that anyone providing American history-related information via schools, television, radio, telephone, chalk board, Etch A Sketch, iPhone, tweets, internet, Google, word-of-mouth, or library materials will be guilty of a 3rd degree misdemeanor punishable by immediate deportation to New England."