This evening, an incredibly disgruntled Republican staff assistant to Senator Holmes Gimmee-Gimmee (R-American Samoa) provided this reporter an astonishing video disclosing the GOP's strategy for the upcoming Senate battle over the fiscal stimulus legislation. Secretly this evening this chronicler met the disenchanted staffer at the Simpering Toad Restaurant in the now privatized Capitol Rotunda. Expressing concern for his life should his lone role in leaking the video become known, the annoyingly secretive staffer nervously requested that his name be unrevealed. This journalist, however, indicated his preference for semi-partial nondisclosure of sources in order to protect his journalistic reputation for honesty and to remain at least arguably free from probable indictment. The staffer, Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s, agreed to my suggestion that this scrivener disguise his name carefully with asterisks (*).
We began our meal at the always popular Simpering Toad Restaurant with a few alcoholically powerful Senate Slings, served chillingly cold for $7.95 each during happy hour, which in the Capitol runs from 10:00 a.m. until sine die. I would be remiss to not report the "Slings" provide an exceptionally tasty and affordable pre-dinner beverage for anyone who might be in the Capitol to receive provocative leaked information from an obviously frightened Senate staffer. A plate of gavel-shaped cheese sticks and double fried pork "Earmarks" added a memorable - and complimentary - appetizer to accompany the pre-leaking portion of this reporter's meeting with Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s, now weeping uncontrollably. After downing his fourth Senate Sling at the spacious and comfortable restaurant and piano bar, Mr. Jon*s struggled both for words and for the physical coordination to lift his head out of his delightfully seasoned Caesar Salad ($12.95 a la carte, free with entree). His breathing was labored, and he slept a bit.
However, one cannot stay asleep long at the Simpering Frog given the swiftness and courteousness of the service! Soon, our flaming pork chops entrees had arrived! The waiter and always helpful maitre d'hotel assisted Mr. Jon*s back into his seat from under the handsome pine table where he had curled up into what this journalist would term a psychotic state of catatonia. Yet, the aroma of Simpering Toad flaming pork chops (a bargain at $22.95, particularly on Capitol Hill) revived him sufficiently so that with his belt carefully wrapped around his chest and attached to his overstuffed leather chair, he stabilized enough to at least barely speak.
Given his bouts of whimpering "Mama! Mama! Mama!," this usually reliable journalist had difficulty getting much detail about the circumstances that drove Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s to betray his party and his longtime benefactor, GOP American Samoan Senator Gimmee-Gimmee. In addition, the Simpering Toad is widely known for its piano music and desserts, and, candidly, Mr. Jon*s' "reasoning" ability had descended to grunts and yips (which I informed him were interfering with my enjoyment of the piano stylings of pianist Cal Smith). The deliciousness of my dessert, a huge melon-sized portion of Fill-You-Buster Fudge Gelato, kept your scribe from physically throttling the increasingly annoying Senate staffer. Thankfully, when the final bill came and your writer was going through Mr. Jon*s' wallet to retrieve his credit card, the always ebullient staff had procured a gurney for the now recumbent staffer. As your reporter dutifully waited for a special services bus to transfer Mr. Jon*s to a bus stop nearest a hospital, I rifled through his top coat pockets until I found the video that had necessitated our highly secretive meeting at the delightfully affordable and wonderfully managed Simpering Toad Restaurant in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda.
In any event, the video certainly does reveal the strategy and tactics that the Republican National Committee suggests be employed in the upcoming fiscal stimulus battle. Or should this correspondent write "suggested" strategy and tactics? For now, due to the traitorous perfidy of an unknown, petty, and easily inebriated Senate staffer who would not explain his motives, the GOP will likely be forced to reevaluate. An investigation, of course, will quickly follow to learn the identity of the dark haired man of approximately 5'8" with a scar on his right eyebrow from having fallen off the gurney.
The GOP Fiscal Stimulus Legislative Strategy video is below. Your reporter wishes he could provide some possible or plausible explanation for this clearly desperate act of a disloyal Senate staffer. As you have seen, he would not communicate with this journalist despite the ambiance inherent in the fine dining room of the Simpering Toad in the Capitol Rotunda. Thus, this is a cautionary tale for anyone who would receive top secret information in a Capitol Hill bistro atmosphere of elegance and reasonable pricing.